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"Wrong Side Of Heaven"

I spoke to god today, and she said that she's ashamed.
What have I become, what have I done?
I spoke to the devil today, and he swears he's not to blame.
And I understood, cuz I feel the same.

Arms wide open, I stand alone.
I'm no hero, and I'm not made of stone.
Right or wrong, I can hardly tell.
I'm on the wrong side of heaven, and the righteous side of hell.
I'm on the wrong side of heaven, and the righteous side, righteous side of hell.

I heard from god today, and she sounded just like me.
What have I done, and who have I become.
I saw the devil today, and he looked a lot like me.
I looked away, I turned away!

Arms wide open, I stand alone.
I'm no hero, and I'm not made of stone.
Right or wrong, I can hardly tell.
I'm on the wrong side of heaven, and the righteous side of hell.
I'm on the wrong side of heaven, and the righteous side, the righteous side of hell.

I'm not defending, downward descending,
falling further and further away!
I'm closer EVERYDAY!

I'm getting closer every day, to the end.
The end, The end, the end,
I'm getting closer EVERYDAY!

Arms wide open, I stand alone.
I'm no hero, and I'm not made of stone.
Right or wrong, I can hardly tell.
I'm on the wrong side of heaven, and the righteous side of hell.
I'm on the wrong side of heaven, and the righteous side of hell.
I'm on the wrong side of heaven, and the righteous side, the righteous side of hell.

Home is where my heart lies.

Mid February

It seems to me that Spring shall never arrive, especially on days such as this, with naught but grey skies overhead.  Spring.... late May to be precise seems a eternity away.  A eternity before I lead Lily to the altar, before she becomes Lady Lily Marbeton and we can finally give into the fire that kindles between us everytime we are alone together.

Which is admittedly not often.  Family duties and social functions take up most of our time.  Dearest Wanda tries to help when she can, but... well, I can understand her not being at home overmuch.  It has been a sore temptation to call her brute of a husband out publically, not only for flaunting his bastard son in front of all society, and moving the boy into the house, but for carrying on with his Mistress pubically when not taking full advantage of the Whitechapel and all the amenities it affords it members.   But Wanda begged me quietly to leave it be, and not to worry myself.  After all, I had a wedding to see to, and besides, she has friends to pass most her time with.  Friends like Lady Arabella... and...

They have been discrete, of course.  I only realized it for certain on a slow night at the Whitechapel a few weeks ago.  It was a miserable, wretched rainy night. There was barely anyone in attendance save me, Iago, Valmont, his Grace, and of course, Robert.  Robert was clearly in a mood to find company, and suddenly His Grace offered to let him stay the night there, so he did not have to go home in the rain.  Robert thanked him profusely, and dissappeared with a little brunette.  The four of us played cards for about an hour, then his Grace excused himself, for the evening, quite the mischevious smile playing on his lips...
Wanda seemed quite merry the next day at lunch. 

I am not sure I entirely approve, but then again, who am I to judge after all the liberties I have found I can coax Lily into?  Speaking of which...

My carriage rumbles to a stop in front of the Ferdis manor.  Her message begged me to come and look at a house with her today.  Realizing this might be one of those rare moments where it will be only us, the day seems downright sunny.  I hop out of the carriage with a smile on my face, gloomy and troublesome thoughts abandoned, and enter the hall, waiting for the butler to annouce me.

Open to Lily

In which we dine in fine company.

I do so adore my cousin.  Wanda has been nothing but a miracle in my courting of Lady Lily Ferdis, taking on most of the chaperoning duties.  I do believe she is taking much pleasure in seeing us stroll together, and in allowing us more discreet space than many matrons would allow.  Perhaps it is her own sad marriage makes her feel more kindly towards Lily, and she wants her to be sure she is marrying someone she truly cares for.  Plus, dear Wanda knows I will not take any liberties above and beyond hand holding, gentle embraces, and stolen kisses.  I may be half mad with longing for the girl, but even I know there are limits.

So when Wanda suggested a quiet dinner between just the three of us, I all but lifted her off the ground and spun her around.  I pondered why I did not think of it myself, and Wanda merely replied;  "Because you are a man.", before laughing merrily and bustling off to make arrangements.
I had suggested a certain night, knowing the social calendar for town was all but non existant, but she got the queerest look on her face, and shook her head professing to have dinner plans.  I was curious, but I did not press her.  She seems to have grown more lively and vibrant, for which I am glad for, yet more withdrawn with her personal life at the same time, and I wonder what the cause of that may be.

But it is not something for me to dwell on tonight, for I am too busy pacing Wanda's sitting room and waiting for the carraige to arrive.   I hear a 'tsk' from behind me, and my sweet cousin crosses to me and fiddles with my lapels.  "Tis merely dinner Gordon, stop fretting.  It is not like you are going to propose to the girl...."  She laughs, then looks at me curiously.  "Are you?"  I laugh and shake my head.  "No, I was not planning on it... tonight at any rate."  I admit with a laugh, then look at Wanda seriously.  "It... has crossed my mind though."  I confess.
"I think you two would be lovely together."  Wanda beams, squeezing my hand, before heading back to the dining room to make sure all is in order.

With a impatient sigh, I take a seat near the window and pick up a book, not really reading it as I wait for the rumble of carriage wheels.

(Open to Wanda and Lily)
(Friday, October 9th, later afternoon)
(A house outside the main town)

I hate to admit it, it's good to feel Lucien in somewhat better spirits.   I never realized how much of a drain it is on both of us when he's miserable.   The pony.... even I have to admit that was a downright decent thing to do. 

Lucien spent most of the day doing house calls, managing to keep in good spirits.  He's thinking about both his women on the walk back from the outlying farms, thinking maybe he could have dinner with Miao, or entice Wanda out to the bar.  I am content enough to just listen in on his thoughts, not intercede.  I think I've done enough damage to him for the time being, and soon enough..... soon enough.....

We're passing a small, rough looking house when the smell of disease and impending death reaches us on the wind.  Lucien stops in his tracks, the medical concern that seems inbred to him crowding out thoughts of perfumed hair and soft lips, and he enters the house quietly.
All the way in a back room, the man lies in bed, alone, writhing in pain, death hours away, if that.  Lucien pulls up a chair and sits besides the bed.  There is nothing that can be done.  The cancer has spread over the entire body, it's a wonder the poor wretch lived this long.   Lucien is wracking his brain, trying to figure out what to do, when I finally speak up, quietly.   "Lucien, he's too far gone.  You can't heal him, and yes, I could, but it would tax you far to greatly."  We think for a minute, and the answer comes to me.  I mentally share it with Lucien, and with a sigh, he surrenders control to me.
I smile softly at the man with Lucien's face and lay my land on his chest.   "I'm ready,"  He gasps, body convulsing.  "But it huts so bad... can't get past the..."   "Shhhhhh, friend.  Peace, I know.  I'm going to take the pain away briefly.... that should give you the peace you can't reach.... are you ready?"   He nods, eyes glassed over with agony.  "Please, please, God help me please.

I take a deep breath, and instead of releasing sickly green fire, the purity of the Light I still contain engulfs him, and his face is transformed.  His face turns to ours and his smile is beatific.  "Thank you.... oh thank you.... you're an angel...."  I would laugh bitterly at that, but he turns his face at looks at something I cannot see.  Not to my eyes, not anymore... but I can feel it, i can feel HOME, and I want to weep at the beauty of it.....

and then he's gone, and we are alone.  Lucien stirs, confused and concerned at my unbearable sorrow.  I cannot, I can't... I render him unconscious.

I am alone. The only demon who still carries the Light, the only demon who regrets.
I am alone.

(open to Lilith)



Demon within

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